The Fantastic Four. Ugggh. I really don’t like these guys. I know I’m not gonna make friends with Stan Lee or the late Jack Kirby’s ghost (RIP Jack) saying shit like that, but hear me out a minute. Each character has their own way of annoying the shit out of me, so I’ll break it down one by one.

Mr. Fantastic. Seriously? Now you’re fantastic because you’re stretchy? What about that makes you fantastic? Sure it’s a fairly unique power to have when everybody else can fly of has super strength, but still. Fantastic? I dunno. I think the jury’s still out on that one. Anywho, who *is* Mr. Fantas…fuck that. Reed Richards. Who is he? Well, if you didn’t know it by now, don’t worry, Marvel will cram it down your throat that Richards is a scientist. And not much else. A superhero, sure. But not much else after that. What does he do in his spare time? Ya know, when he’s not fighting Dr. Doom. He does science. That’s it. Science. He spends so much time sciencing and NOT doing anything else, it’s a wonder how he ever managed to have a kid. Although, that kid *does* look a little bit like Namor. I’m just sayin.

Invisible Woman. Bleh. The funny thing about this character is that for the first few years of the comic’s creation, she was not only regarded as useless by the fans, they actually pointed it out IN THE COMIC. (Seanbaby wrote a great article some years ago talking about that. If you don’t know who Seanbaby is, I feel sad for you. Check him out here http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-beloved-superheroes-who-are-actually-really-stupid/ ) Anywho, this chick started out with just invisiblity, and when they realized that she should be dead like 50 times over, they gave her the force field manipulation thing. Apparently, now she’s the most powerful member of the team, because she can create a forcefield within someone’s body, and rip them in two from the inside out. Huh…Kinda went a whole new direction with her, huh guys?

Human Torch. So, he’s a guy who could possibly melt the entire planet with his heat powers, AND he’s a bratty shit that you just wanna punch every time you see him? SOLD!!! Seriously though, this guy was a dick way back when. I know they’ve certainly toned down his ass-hattery over the years (we all gotta grow up some time, Johnny) but still. I just don’t find him interesting. Hell, I’m not even gonna talk about him anymore.

The Thing. This one’s a little different than the rest, and I’ll show ya how. This whole team has NO conflict in their lives. The world adores these guys. They hang out with the President, talk shop with Nick Fury, play poker with the X-Men, and the whole world (minus the bad guys, of course) loves them. They’re practically royalty. Any problems they have, Richards will just science his way out of it. This is annoying. When you have a character that the whole world loves (lookin at YOU again, Superman) then you see there’s very little struggle for them in their daily lives. EXCEPT for The Thing. Now, I’m gonna be honest here; The Thing is the best character of the whole team. He’s also the one I hate the most. So let’s rap about it for a minute. Ben Grimm has a conflict in his life. He can’t turn off his rockyness. Everybody else can on the team, but not poor Ben. That makes his life a living hell in certain aspects. Think about it for a second: Ben never had a kid before taking the whole space flight thing. How’s he ever gonna pull that off now? Unless he’s trying to bone She Hulk or Ms. Marvel, (both of them are WAYYYYYY outta your league, Ben) he’s probably not gonna get a willing partner. It’s not because of who he is or anything. I just think most women would prefer not to get crushed during sex. So this is his life, always being a rock guy. That’s actually a great conflict for him. So why do I hate this guy so much? I’m glad you asked. You see, Grimm met up with Richards in college. They both hung out, became best friends, blah blah blah. Well, Grimm graduated from college and then joined the Air Force. He became a test pilot as well as a fighter pilot. The dudes got some skills. He then went on to become a NASA TRAINED ASTRONAUT. This guy! He must have smarts like crazy!!! Oh wait, he just spoke. No. No, he’s an idiot. See? That’s my problem with this guy. He’s obviously intelligent. It takes more than a couple brain cells to fly a plane. And Nasa rockets? Yeah, you need that brain workin overdrive for that shit. So why is it everytime he speaks he sounds like some dumbass thug? I suppose that’s meant to be his charm, but for my money, it’s just stupid. He speaks like some stereotypical goon from the 50’s or something. I just can’t get past that shit. Apart from that, he really is the only guy on the team with any conflict, so I guess he not that bad. As long as he shuts the fuck up.