So I was hoping to postpone this one for a little bit, but it’s surprisingly hard to come up with legitimate reasons to hate the most beloved comic book characters because they generally are written well. Or at least, written well enough. But there is one…ONE character I can’t stand. One character that I think is bullshit. So who am I talking about?
Batman. I hate this guy. When I say hate, I mean HAAAAAAATE. This character is bullshit through and through. Now, before I get into the hate speech, I will say this. 1989, Michael Keaton, good movie. I liked it. He was good at playing Wayne, showed the brainer side of the character, and aside from that, Keaton is fucking awesome anyways. Also, the car looked really cool. After that, they kept making the car look more and more ridiculous. No idea why. Whatever. Last side note…Nicholson was great as The Joker. Yes, Heath was good as well, but Nicholson was better in my opinion. Made him a bit funnier. Kinda thought that was the whole point of the character.
Anywho, back to the berating. Batman is a bitch. He lacks any and all conviction. Now, how old was he when his parents were killed? Roughly 8. Something like that. He goes ON and ON about his parents being killed. I mean, this is like his favorite fucking subject to talk about. Here’s the thing, though. He’s about my age in the comics, I’m 36 now. He’s roughly that age, give or take a year. If you haven’t gotten over something like that, after 30 FUCKING YEARS…Kill yourself. I’m not saying that as a joke, I mean it. If you can not get past something like that after 3 decades, kill yourself. The reason is, it will NEVER get any better for you. This is the ONLY thing this asshole thinks about, and he’s had 30 years to move on from it. He has billions of dollars, he could do ANYTHING he wants. So what does he do? He dresses up, goes out and fights bad guys all night, all the while he’s crying about mommy and daddy. For fuck’s sake man, GROW a pair.
Bruce Wayne has no conflict. I know I said this about Superman before, then kinda reneged on it, but this guy really has no conflict. There’s NO reason for him to be doing what he’s doing. He could hang it all up one day and just say “Fuck it. I’m moving to Tahiti”. And ya know what? That would be perfectly viable. There’s no reason for him to do what he does. He doesn’t solve any problems. He’s basically a cop with a different uniform. It may not look like that right off the bat, but bear with me. You’ll see.
Bruce Wayne lacks conviction. He’s committed to his cause, but only so far. How many times has The Joker threatened to kill half the population of Gotham? Too many. How many times have other characters threatened to kill hundreds of thousands of its’ citizens? TOO MANY. What does he do about it? He beats up the bad guy, beats up their goons, they all get sent to prison or Arkham, and then what? They get out next week. He lacks conviction to his own cause. Now, as far as my friends and family go, they all know I’m a huge fan of Marvel characters, and I detest DC characters. DC doesn’t write characters well, in my opinion. Marvel does it better. But I’ll compare him to some Marvel characters that also don’t END their enemies, then show you the difference.
3 of the more currently popular Marvel guys: Spider-Man, Iron Man, and Cap. None of these guys take matters into their own hands and end people. Hell, only 1 of them actually has any powers, and Spidey pulls all his punches against non-super powered threats. But there’s a difference between these 3 guys and the Bat. Batman wants to be the SCARY guy. He’s not. He thinks he is, but he’s not. See, if you want to scare someone, they have to realize there’s consequences to their actions. Batman beats people up, they get sent to the hospital, then prison, then they’re out within a month. WHERE’S THE FUCKING CONSEQUENCES?!!!
Short answer: There are none. He lacks conviction to his cause. Now, look at someone on Marvel’s side that does what the Bat does: The Punisher. Are there consequences to going up against him? YEAH. YOU BETCHA. He will END you. He will kill the SHIT outta you. What does that ultimately mean? Well, that means that whoever it was that was just threatening the general public WILL NOT DO IT ANYMORE. EVER. THAT is conviction to a cause. And here’s something better about Castle (for those that don’t know, The Punisher’s name is Frank Castle), he had his whole family killed in front of him, like Wayne, but it wasn’t his parents. It was his wife and CHILDREN. THAT…wow. That’s something like a game changer. For a man, losing your wife AND children…that just makes you a whole ‘nother beast. And that’s what happened to Castle. He reacted the way he should have. KILL THE FUCK OUTTA EVERYTHING.
Batman lacks any and all conviction. For some stupid-ass reason, he thinks if he arrests his “super villains” enough, (most of his bad guys don’t have any real powers, so they aren’t really “super” in any way) things will get better. If he actually nutted up for once, and killed one of them, *maybe* some of the others would take notice and move to a new town. But he doesn’t, so why should they? He’s a bitch, and the worst part of it is his enemies know it. Batman…You AREN’T scary. Stop trying to be.
